Solitude

Emme took a trip this week with her daddy, cousins and grandmother (Kevin's mom).  She is enjoying herself in sunny Florida at Disney World.  I will have the opportunity to enjoy Disney with her later in the year when we go with her dance company for a fun and exciting trip to participate in Dance the World where she will be taking part in a parade in Disney's Hollywood Studios (I cannot wait!!!).
Of course I am reminded of when we took a 10 day trip as a family to Florida and went to Disney, Universal and Sea World.  What a different time in all of our lives that was.  Kevin and I were still together and the kids were all still at home and in school.  Jason was just turning 17 and entering his junior year of high school - he is now 22 and in the middle of his senior year of college.
With Emme gone this week I have A LOT of time to myself.  Time to reflect on where I am in my life, where I want to be in my life and how to get there -- and how not to get there.  This is not always easy for me.  I am a people person.  I like being around people - I don't always do really well with alone time.  Also, I am having to recognize that time, and only the passage of time, is sometimes what it is going to take to make it through some of what is challenging me.
Letting go and admitting that I cannot control certain things.  I cannot make things happen the way I want just because I want to.  I cannot will people to come back in to my life or to stay in my life, much as I really want to. 
Letting go -- a very challenging task for me, but one I really have to accomplish.  Not because it will bring me such peace and joy in the long run or any of the mumbo jumbo that everyone tries to explain to me as the reasons for letting go, but because I have absolutely no choice.  Not letting go is going to leave me stuck right where I am and I don't want to be stuck here anymore.  I don't want to question and second guess and wonder and, really, just hurt, anymore.
So, there you go, universe, God, karma, fate -- I'm done.  I release it all and turn it over to you and just have to accept that somewhere down this incredibly bumpy road of my life there is something wonderful and amazing waiting for me and one day I will get there.  One day I will arrive at the place I am suppose to be, right when I am suppose to be there and I will be able to look up and say "Oh, this is what it was all about."
Until that time I will be working on my patience (that's going to take a lot of work), and I will be getting to know myself and learning to be my own best friend and love myself for all that I am and all that I am not and, in general, I will "just keep swimming"