The Shamrock Plant

So I have this shamrock plant that my mother gave me a while ago -- back when everything was "normal" in my life.  Back when I thought I was on really good terms with everyone in my family.....
Anyway, at first the plant seemed to thrive -- it had blooms and was full and green with all its little white flowers.  Then it started to die off.  It no longer bloomed, I tried moving it to different locations, I trimmed off the dead, I watered it and so on and so on.  It seemed quite hopeless.  There were a few straggling green sprouts, but clearly the poor thing was struggling -- much like me, I guess.
Anyway, when I moved into the cottage one of the things I was excited about were the deep windowsills.  There is plenty of room on my windowsills for plants, pictures, cushins to make window seats, etc....  I found  window in the living room and put the poor struggling shamrock plant on the windowsill -- watered it and thought we'd give it one last try.
I noticed just yesterday that the shamrock is filling out with lots of new green sprouts.  I'm thinking it may even decide to bloom again soon.  I am starting to think I am a bit like the shamrock plant.  I am feeling quite cozy and content in my new cottage.  Not only did I "make it through" Emme being away for a week, but I actually enjoyed my own company and was quite content with my alone time.  I love our new place and I am even starting to embrace our new life.  There are still days that I struggle, and I am sure that will always be the case because you cannot go through loss without the pain lingering for as long as it decides to linger, but I am okay.  The shamrock plant and I are going to be just fine.  We are going to sprout new growth and, someday, we will both bloom again.

Day 4 of Solitude

Okay, here I am on Day 4 of Emme being on a vacation with her daddy.  I thought for sure by now that I would be out of my mind with lonliness and wallowing in self pity.  Sometimes I surprise myself, however, and I have actually been okay, good even.  I had a couple evenings to myself in the new place, then last night had the older girls over for dinner -- which ended up turning into a sleepover.  You'd think that would have made me giddy with excitement, but actually I was quite hesitant and only gave in to the sleepover because the girls seemed so into it.  I actually was thinking how I kind of wanted my place to myself again...
For tonight I got a last minute invite to a concert at the Keswick Theater and actually had to cancel dinner plans with a friend -- who knew I would end up double booked!!!
Tomorrow is still a toss up.  I have plans, but would kind of like to cancel them to stay home and take a bubble bath with some candles and a glass of wine with music playing all by myself.
This is new for me.  Making plans to do something "by myself" instead of with someone is not something that I would normally do.  Perhaps I'm making progress :)
Emme comes home Monday afternoon and I will be so excited to see her and hear about her trip and will enjoy having her home, but it isn't quite the same kind of "I can't wait" as I thought it would be.  I really didn't quite get it before now how nice it sometimes can be to spend some time with just yourself.  GO ME!!

Solitude

Emme took a trip this week with her daddy, cousins and grandmother (Kevin's mom).  She is enjoying herself in sunny Florida at Disney World.  I will have the opportunity to enjoy Disney with her later in the year when we go with her dance company for a fun and exciting trip to participate in Dance the World where she will be taking part in a parade in Disney's Hollywood Studios (I cannot wait!!!).
Of course I am reminded of when we took a 10 day trip as a family to Florida and went to Disney, Universal and Sea World.  What a different time in all of our lives that was.  Kevin and I were still together and the kids were all still at home and in school.  Jason was just turning 17 and entering his junior year of high school - he is now 22 and in the middle of his senior year of college.
With Emme gone this week I have A LOT of time to myself.  Time to reflect on where I am in my life, where I want to be in my life and how to get there -- and how not to get there.  This is not always easy for me.  I am a people person.  I like being around people - I don't always do really well with alone time.  Also, I am having to recognize that time, and only the passage of time, is sometimes what it is going to take to make it through some of what is challenging me.
Letting go and admitting that I cannot control certain things.  I cannot make things happen the way I want just because I want to.  I cannot will people to come back in to my life or to stay in my life, much as I really want to. 
Letting go -- a very challenging task for me, but one I really have to accomplish.  Not because it will bring me such peace and joy in the long run or any of the mumbo jumbo that everyone tries to explain to me as the reasons for letting go, but because I have absolutely no choice.  Not letting go is going to leave me stuck right where I am and I don't want to be stuck here anymore.  I don't want to question and second guess and wonder and, really, just hurt, anymore.
So, there you go, universe, God, karma, fate -- I'm done.  I release it all and turn it over to you and just have to accept that somewhere down this incredibly bumpy road of my life there is something wonderful and amazing waiting for me and one day I will get there.  One day I will arrive at the place I am suppose to be, right when I am suppose to be there and I will be able to look up and say "Oh, this is what it was all about."
Until that time I will be working on my patience (that's going to take a lot of work), and I will be getting to know myself and learning to be my own best friend and love myself for all that I am and all that I am not and, in general, I will "just keep swimming"

New Address, Fresh Start

 So I went to see Tommy Conwell and the Young Rumblers reunion concert on October 5 at the Blockley.  Back when I was just out of college a friend of mine and I spent a few very good years following the band around at all the local hot spots in Delaware, Philly and the Jersey shore.  The concert (which I went to by myself as a display of my new independent FOR ME thing) was just what I needed.  I was very nervous about going alone, but in the end had an amazing time and am so glad I took that leap!!!

Emme and I have moved, again.  We found a very cute cottage with lots of character, just enough space for us, in a price range that is ideal for me and my new "rely on yourself so as not to be disappointed by anyone else" outlook on life :)
We (and by we I mean mostly I) am getting the place put together, going through and decluttering things - clearing out old stuff and hopefully old negative thoughts at the same time.  Meanwhile, Emme is off on a Disney vacation with her daddy and his family.  Hope she is having a great time -- hope mommy is getting a jump start on her personal journey while spending so much time on her own.

She couldn't have been more excited about the trip - and she just looks so stinkin cute, too.
Emme and I are settling in to a new routine of the two of us.  I love that kid, and she seems to be constantly reminding me that she loves me, too.  Life is good - even when I'm sad and confused and cannot get out of my own head sometimes, that bouncing ray of sunshine is there to remind me that life really is good.

So, for now, I will "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."